The Following is an excerpt from " Loudmouth " and this has been posted for bringing more people to read some quality stuff from English writers.
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I find it hard to understand how anyone could be surprised that England slobbered their way out of Euro 2012 on penalties in the quarter finals. In fact, I find it hard to understand how anyone could even be disappointed. England did almost exactly what they always do. That’s not disappointing. It’s no cause for celebration either, but the appropriate reaction would be to feel exactly how you feel when anything that always happens, happens. Like when the Earth continues to orbit the sun. How I feel about that is exactly how I felt about England’s loss, and if you felt any different then you either over or under reacted.
Actually I lied slightly in that introduction. I was pleased when we proved that as a nation we’re still worse at penalties than a maimed swan with sub-average depth perception. This is not because I have an overwhelming hate of John Terry and Wayne Rooney; no, that hate extends to pretty much all professional footballers, English or not. In reality I was pleased because it meant the chance of being involved in a football related conversation, or at least being obliged to take part in one, fell dramatically.
Conversations about football tend not to be particularly invigorating. If you’ve ever seen two dogs barking at one another through a fence, with the barking becoming progressively louder over a period of minutes and occasionally being interspersed with dribbling and growling, then you will know what it’s like to listen to a “discussion” between an Arsenal fan and a Tottenham fan. Because both football fans are unable to draw from anything other than a depressing catalogue of biased clichés, no conversation can ever get past an opposing series of empty statements. Strip away any details about specific matches and players and this is near enough what you’re left with:
“Our team is really good”
“Yeah but you lost to that other team”
“Yeah but the referee”
“Football”
“Football”
And anyway, it’s not like one fan is going to be convinced that their team is inferior and elect to switch their allegiance even if the other fan is catastrophically good at arguing, meaning the argument is instantly rendered redundant as well as grating. So, as I was saying, England’s defeat means I’m probably less likely to have to mumble something about Balotelli being ‘erratic’ to try and make it seem like I vaguely care about Euro 2012.
Now, I must make it clear that I’m not one of those people who thinks that all sport is as dull as watching already dry paint continue to be dry and should be confined to a metaphorical bin. And I don’t try, as many of these sorts of people do, to prove a sport’s dullness by describing it in terms that in no way capture what it’s about. For instance, describing football as “a bunch of men kicking a ball around”, motorsport as “just some cars going round a track”, or golf as “pensioners endlessly trying to poke a ball into a hole”. Although obviously it is difficult to argue with that description of golf.
No, you might actually be surprised to hear that I like football - and if you were one of the people who found England’s defeat surprising then your eyes have probably leapt from your skull in shock. I’d definitely go as far as to say it’s the best sport in the world; great fun to play and, at its best, fantastic to watch. It just seems to me that the people involved in professional football have made it hard to enjoy and have ultimately put me off taking an active interest in it.
By this I don’t just mean the footballers themselves: that goes without saying. You don’t need me to construct an analogy to highlight how they’re all twats, and it’s a cliché to point it out anyway. In truth, I’d say more effective at making professional football unwatchable are pundits. During England versus Italy I was subjected to the commentary of Mark Lawrenson, who was so negative I started to wonder whether he was involved in some elaborate bet, possibly with the Grim Reaper, and stood to win £150 if he successfully sapped each and every droplet of joy from not just the match, but life itself.
I don’t even know why we need pundits, especially commentators. Their principal role is to merely describe what’s happening, almost as if no-one’s told them that what they’re describing is also being filmed and that their role is therefore totally unnecessary. And don’t tell me that they provide insight. Mark Lawrenson may have given me an insight into what it’s like to have a soul made of coal, but when it actually came to the football any ‘insight’ was essentially restricted to elaborately stating the obvious.
I just think it’s a shame that what is such a superb sport is made so unlikeable by the way it’s presented. Basically, if football wants to win back my attention, which I’m sure it does, it needs to have no pundits, no players, and no fans. Because these are the things that are wrong with it.
I’ll let you know if FIFA write back.
"
"
I find it hard to understand how anyone could be surprised that England slobbered their way out of Euro 2012 on penalties in the quarter finals. In fact, I find it hard to understand how anyone could even be disappointed. England did almost exactly what they always do. That’s not disappointing. It’s no cause for celebration either, but the appropriate reaction would be to feel exactly how you feel when anything that always happens, happens. Like when the Earth continues to orbit the sun. How I feel about that is exactly how I felt about England’s loss, and if you felt any different then you either over or under reacted.
 |
| Euro 2012 Team |
Actually I lied slightly in that introduction. I was pleased when we proved that as a nation we’re still worse at penalties than a maimed swan with sub-average depth perception. This is not because I have an overwhelming hate of John Terry and Wayne Rooney; no, that hate extends to pretty much all professional footballers, English or not. In reality I was pleased because it meant the chance of being involved in a football related conversation, or at least being obliged to take part in one, fell dramatically.
Conversations about football tend not to be particularly invigorating. If you’ve ever seen two dogs barking at one another through a fence, with the barking becoming progressively louder over a period of minutes and occasionally being interspersed with dribbling and growling, then you will know what it’s like to listen to a “discussion” between an Arsenal fan and a Tottenham fan. Because both football fans are unable to draw from anything other than a depressing catalogue of biased clichés, no conversation can ever get past an opposing series of empty statements. Strip away any details about specific matches and players and this is near enough what you’re left with:
“Our team is really good”
“Yeah but you lost to that other team”
“Yeah but the referee”
“Football”
“Football”
And anyway, it’s not like one fan is going to be convinced that their team is inferior and elect to switch their allegiance even if the other fan is catastrophically good at arguing, meaning the argument is instantly rendered redundant as well as grating. So, as I was saying, England’s defeat means I’m probably less likely to have to mumble something about Balotelli being ‘erratic’ to try and make it seem like I vaguely care about Euro 2012.
Now, I must make it clear that I’m not one of those people who thinks that all sport is as dull as watching already dry paint continue to be dry and should be confined to a metaphorical bin. And I don’t try, as many of these sorts of people do, to prove a sport’s dullness by describing it in terms that in no way capture what it’s about. For instance, describing football as “a bunch of men kicking a ball around”, motorsport as “just some cars going round a track”, or golf as “pensioners endlessly trying to poke a ball into a hole”. Although obviously it is difficult to argue with that description of golf.
No, you might actually be surprised to hear that I like football - and if you were one of the people who found England’s defeat surprising then your eyes have probably leapt from your skull in shock. I’d definitely go as far as to say it’s the best sport in the world; great fun to play and, at its best, fantastic to watch. It just seems to me that the people involved in professional football have made it hard to enjoy and have ultimately put me off taking an active interest in it.
By this I don’t just mean the footballers themselves: that goes without saying. You don’t need me to construct an analogy to highlight how they’re all twats, and it’s a cliché to point it out anyway. In truth, I’d say more effective at making professional football unwatchable are pundits. During England versus Italy I was subjected to the commentary of Mark Lawrenson, who was so negative I started to wonder whether he was involved in some elaborate bet, possibly with the Grim Reaper, and stood to win £150 if he successfully sapped each and every droplet of joy from not just the match, but life itself.
I don’t even know why we need pundits, especially commentators. Their principal role is to merely describe what’s happening, almost as if no-one’s told them that what they’re describing is also being filmed and that their role is therefore totally unnecessary. And don’t tell me that they provide insight. Mark Lawrenson may have given me an insight into what it’s like to have a soul made of coal, but when it actually came to the football any ‘insight’ was essentially restricted to elaborately stating the obvious.
I just think it’s a shame that what is such a superb sport is made so unlikeable by the way it’s presented. Basically, if football wants to win back my attention, which I’m sure it does, it needs to have no pundits, no players, and no fans. Because these are the things that are wrong with it.
I’ll let you know if FIFA write back.
"
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